Women are complicated. We know this about ourselves. However, in spite of it all, we deserve the best.
In our society, women have been considered inferior to men for hundreds of years. Think about it: women used to have to do all the cooking, cleaning, raising the children, and ultimately taking care of all of the husband’s needs, while ignoring her own. Now that women are able to do most things as men can, we should feel some type of empowerment. However, it is very evident that the majority of women in the world still may lack the confidence in themselves for fear that they do not have a say in what they deserve. When it comes to relationships, I feel that the way women were and are still viewed trickles down into the way they view their position in a relationship.
When a woman does something like demand respect, take time out of their day for just themselves, or even sit down while the man makes dinner for once, we are looked at sideways. Ladies, here’s what we need to keep in mind: we deserve to make the reigns on what it is we expect out of a man rather than settle for what they are willing to give. If a man cannot handle that, then he is not worthy of your time. When I think of valuing yourself as a woman, I like to refer back to this quote by Michael Reid:
It is important that you know what it is that you deserve. First, ask yourself, if you could have the perfect man, what qualities would he value most about you? I know, weird way to word it, right? I think a lot of women think that the question should be if you could build the perfect man, what would he be like? However, when you question your wants from a man based off of the way you value yourself, the dynamic of the man you want changes into the man that you deserve. I also like to refer to the quote that what Peter says about Paul tells more about Peter than it does about Paul when speaking on this. I feel that this concept is important because what a man thinks, says, or chooses to see in you says volumes about who he is rather than you. You would not want a man who sees only topical parts of you and not your character because it shows where his mind is at and he most likely is not valuing your true value.
Now ladies, when it comes to settling, here’s the thing. A guy wants to give as much effort into you as you require. They are pretty simple and one track minded when it comes to courting or “talking to” girls. A man is not going to go out of his way unless 1) you give them something to go after and fight for and 2) he is able to see the qualities that you value in yourself.
A friend of mine once described the way that not having someone who deserves you affects you in this way: imagine you are the one who cooked dinner one night and you fixed all the plates at the table but somehow, there is nothing left to put on your own plate. That is what it is like having a relationship without balance. Both parties should be bringing food to the table in a relationship. Zoe Saldana expresses this concept well.
I would suggest that you take a minute out of your day to make a list of the qualities that you possess and value about yourself. Then make a list of the things that you feel you want to veer away from in a significant other. Keep these lists somewhere where you won’t lose it. That way when you get back into the dating game or run into someone you find attracted to, you have something tangible to keep you on track. As wacky as that may sound, every girl should keep something like this even if it is a mental note of it so that you won’t forget what you deserve. Keep these following checkpoints in mind as well:
Don’t be a “yes sir” type of woman. Now I know when you read this one you are thinking “I would never let a man run me”. But you know what? I don’t care how strong you are; men have the tendency to expect women to follow their every word at times. Now that is not to say that catering to a man is unacceptable because at times, it is necessary. However, you have to know when to say, “get up and do it yourself”. Do not let a man run you around or guilt trip you into feeling obligated to do everything for them.
Don’t get so lost in love that you lose yourself. Always recuperate. Call a few girlfriends up for coffee and girl talk. Get out of the house and do your own thing. One thing that I suggest is that you never loose sight of your own life trying to take car of someone else’s. That is the quickest way to become “unhappy” in your relationship in a addition to settling for the bare minimum effort given from the man you are interested in.
Learn to know when to speak up. You don’t have to be a hothead to do so either. It is just that when you feel that there is something that is not satisfying you, learn to be assertive. You don’t have to wait until the man notices the problem to say something. It may even turn the dude on when he sees that you are not playing with him. 😛
Finally, I am going to leave you with this very powerful poem that describes your value. I love this excerpt by Maya Angelou in the poem Phenomenal Woman:
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Until next week,
Fire in Her 